Jen's Housewivery 101, "You're Welcome!"

Long ago and far away there once was a young girl (ok, not so young, but a little less bright).  She burned water and microwaved her hot dogs.  She found that cereal met all of her necessary dietary needs (and tequila too, but that’s a different type of story).  She dodged babysitting phone calls and when mommies offered their babies to hold, she stared at them blankly.  She cleaned, but not for the sake of creating an inviting home- but more with a glaring mantra ‘don’t touch my stuff’.  (but really...why are you in my house touching my stuff?)

She grew up! (kind of) She cleaned up her act and changed her ways.  She became me and I became a housewife! (kind of) Being good at being many things, I naturally excelled at this new found life experience, and often I hear ‘How do you do it?’ or ‘Wow! What’s your secret to making it all work?!’ (not really, no one has ever asked me this.)  

I could write a book on the theme of being the awesome housewife version of me, but for time sake and blog sake, I’ve condensed to 3 easy categories with each of their own 5 easy to follow steps. (it’s been said I tend to ramble, I’m not sure who said this or why they said this, it’s clearly inaccurate. They just don’t get me yet, next time I see them I’ll fill them in. I’m just not sure who they are, do you know? Can you let me know? I remember this time I once...wait, focus……)

Cooking -  (let’s say a chicken meal, but really any meat is fine; I’ve found its all the same deal.  just eat real meat- don’t be a vegetarian weirdo..yeah, you know who you are!)

1. Go to store and walk around for awhile. If you choose Walmart- get side tracked, pick up some really useless plastic stuff.  Be sure to tell husband of useless plastic purchase, he will enjoy this purchase.  Find chicken, I think you knock on it- if it knocks back- don’t buy it.
2. Go home and put in fridge, forget about it for about 4 days. Panic and remember it will turn and you need to cook it. Take out of frig.
3. Stare at it. I think you should wash it, you have to wash lettuce, so you should wash chicken too. Stare at it some more (this is when you realize you don’t like cooking and you don’t know how to cook chicken and you’re annoyed at the idea of having to turn the oven on.  You call your sister, her name is Nicole and you say, ‘I bought chicken, now what?’)
4. Put it in a pan, dump some BBQ sauce on it and stick it in the oven.  Go sit on couch. Get up from couch because you realize its been half an hour and you should check on chicken. Poke chicken with a fork. (you may have also realized by this time, you have not actually turned on the oven.  You turn on oven. You can’t remember what the temperature is suppose to be again or how long it should be in there. You call Nicole, she tells you again.  You hang up, instantly forget and figure, anything will work- just cook it til its brown.)
5. Husband comes home 2 hours later. Kids are running around, you’re running around behind them picking up. Husband says, ‘What is that stench I taste’? Check Isaac’s diaper. Not diaper.  Remember chicken.  Serve black chicken to grateful family.  

Cleaning - (actually, once upon a time I was kind of good at this, but then I had kids and realized- no, no I’m not good at this at all.)

1. You have A baby. A baby doesn’t do anything. Clean all the time. Worry about dog hair hourly. Organize toys by colors. Get bored. Organize toys by size. Get Bored. Organize toys by theme. Get bored and creative. Organize toys by theme, size and color.
2. Have another baby.  And now you have a baby and toddler. 2nd baby is nothing like 1st baby. You are not bored. This baby is insane and your toddler has become a homicidal maniac bent on your destruction (Stewie..is that you?!). Do no cleaning for a year. Don’t invite anyone over. Tell your husband to hang on, everyone keeps saying crazy things like ‘it gets better.’ (haha, I’m totally kidding. No, not really. Of course I am! Total exaggeration. Run! Run like you’ve never ran before. KIDDING, haha! Your children are precious angels. Babies aren’t insane and toddler aren’t homicidal maniacs…………maybe sleep with one eye open, just sayin’............ pray a lot... because I had quit drinking by this point …you’ll get through it- it does get better!)
3. It does get better. Now you have a moody toddler and a big boy 4 year old.  Clean all the time. Like Thursday vacuum something. Maybe on Monday you do 50,000 loads of laundry. And say, by Saturday you fold some to most of it. Maybe on Fridays, you wash the floor- sure, why not- wash the floor on Friday. And maybe on Tuesday, you like take a towel and bang the dog hair off your kids.  (Maybe walk around with paper towels, because while your 2 year old kind of gets the concept of peeing on the potty, he also gets that peeing on the dog, on the rug, in corners and pooping on the table are concepts too!)
4. Find a project, like seasonal stuff. Box up all winter stuff and walk around finding all summer stuff. Find boxes and bags to organize. Make this fun! Take your time and do it ALL DAY.  Feel accomplished, maybe proud. Show your husband. Ignore his blank stare.  (by the way, take a picture, it will only look like this today, by tomorrow it will be destroyed and you alone will be the only one that cares.)
5. Vacuum the dog periodically.  Trust me, just do this.  If you’re feeling spunky, maybe try out that cat. (never mind, that was a terrible idea! never vacuum a cat!  anyone know where the heck I stuck the bandaids………….why are they in the frig?)

Child Rearing - (yeah...I’m wingin’ it...how about you?)

1. First, prior to having children think about how awesome you are. Think about how you’ll do it because you know! You know a lot of people raisin’ babies right now, and its pretty obvious- they are doin’ it all the wrong way. Don’t worry, you got this. Make a list of your awesomeness, your ideas and ideals, and be sure to detail how you’ll implement- this is important!!!!!
2. Have a few babies.  I decided to not be crazy and only have 2 (haha, just kidding I don’t think you’re crazy if you’ve had more than 2 babies………...yes, yes I do). Remember that super important list you worked so very hard on in Step 1?  Do something vital right now- crumple it up, stomp on it, tear it to shreds!  Then find some poor parent you horribly judged and give them hug (you owe them that much!)
3. Tell them you're the boss. Tell them this a lot! Make them say it to you. I say, ‘Who’s the boss?!’ And they so sweetly say, ‘Momma is the boss!’.  (did you hear that laughter?  hmm, weird...even as I typed this and they are conked out cold, I really swore I heard hysterical laughter….very weird indeed!)
4. You know what? There’s 50 billion books out there on how to raise your kid.  They all tell you something different.  And you know what? I ain’t gonna add to it!  You do what works for you and I’m gonna do what works for me.  Frankly, I got one book that does all the job I need, my Bible.  If that irks you, well, move on- I’ve never been one worried that I’ve irked someone- I highly doubt I’ll start with you.
5. Love them. Simply love them- no quips here. Just remember one thing I read and hold dearly on to- your kids will grow up and they will tell a story of their home. They will tell their memories.  Remember this, what would you like the story they tell to be?  If I only get a single word uttered from their mouths, I pray I hear, ‘happy’.

So, there it is. Like I said, I could write a book on the amazing examples of just being me daily. It’s not easy, but I try so hard to make it look so.  I think I’ve got the basics in here to get you started.  Any fool can be a housewife extraordinaire- I’m mean, come on! Look at me, I’m freakin’ nailin’ it!  I’m cooking (sure, its most likely microwave safe, but hey, its hot), I’m cleaning (don’t eat off my floors, ok?) and my kids are still alive and smooched daily (and they totally think I’m the boss. Really, they totally do...stop laughing at me! Or I’ll make you say ‘Jen’s the boss!’ I will. I will too. You better stop laughing.  I mean it! Don’t you make me say it again! If I put this laptop down and have to get up, you’re in for it!)

There’s a chance I skimmed over some useful tips or a topic or two you were hoping I’d touch base on.  I’m all for Q&A’s, let’s face it- there’s a good chance I got your answer.

This is proof that 50,000 loads of laundry is not an myth. This is taken in real time April 17th, 2015 10:25pm. Ok, it's actually, 49,997. I've got 3 more loads to finish tonight. I'm gonna fold it all tomorrow! I am! I think! Maybe! Maybe by Wednesday!

Last word of advise- don't sweat it. It all gets worn and dirtied again.