I am still unsure of blogging. Not that I feel like I’m
already slacking in committing, but more- what it “is” or how I’ll go about
doing it properly. Silly, I know. However, I’ve thought of it a lot since my
initial post, thinking of things such as, “I’ll do it once a week” or “Maybe I’ll
try to be topical”. It started to feel rehearsed
a bit in my heart, and that’s never quite how I’ve ever written. So, I’ll just do what I’ve always done…wait
til something eats at me a bit and let the banging on keys commence. Honestly, when something starts to eat at me,
it usually starts banging in my head for awhile first!
And today, I’ve been chewing on a lot, mostly me. Today was not the best version of the me I
like very much. Oh, don’t worry I’m not
about to dive in to any sort of rhetoric of the poor me’s, help me’s, or
depressed me, or the only if it was this way me’s. And please, no…I don’t need to love myself
more, I love myself plenty. If I hear
one more person or post or antidote about loving oneself more…never mind, I don’t
wanna venture down that street tonight, that’s not what I’m writing about here.
I’m writing about time.
Time, oh wasted time, and the version of myself that needs a kick. I did soooooo little today and not in a good
way. In a way, I find myself doing too much
of the nothing. Ok, I did plenty of the
busy stuff. I cleaned (not scrubbed
spotless) but hey, it’s pretty clean enough. I did some laundry, dishes and vacuumed all
the floors. I fed, clothes, changed
diapers, potty trained, played and played and played. So, it was a busy-ish day, but yet I did
soooooo little today. At times I watched
too much tv and barely moved. I didn’t
get dressed today or shower (yes, I’m admitting this), but I did brush my teeth
twice. (I may have forgotten to put on deodorant,
but no one complained and I truly can’t remember). I could ask for the typical response
and endlessly clichés of “mother’s work is never done” or “Hey, its okay to
have an off day. You deserve it.” But that
doesn’t help me, it just excuses me and what I don’t need is any of that
anymore, I provided myself with lots of that last year. Again, I’m not going down that road tonight
either. Last year was hell, frankly. And
that’ll be another blog about being new to the stay at home mommy world, going
through the actual terrible two’s and having a very sick preemie baby. YEAH, that’s a freakin book. No, tonight is about time.
I’ve been burdened a lot lately about my use of time. I think it really is a case of not know what
the heck to do with myself. Last year
was hard, I had to get through it and now I am.
I worked pretty steadily part time for a bout a year now and that helped
me. I need to work some, it’s just in
me. So staying at home has a trillion blessings,
but none of the actual day to day stuff comes very easily to me. I am a social person, I am a working person,
I am a hyper person. Staying at home,
for someone like me and raising little ones, it’s darn hard. I go nuts sometimes and feel isolated. I bore easily and become bitter and even
snappy to angry. I run out of busy work
and then fall into terrible routines of “making time pass”, tv being the
largest culprit. I’m committed to
staying home until the boys are school age, because in the thick of me
struggling are the greatest moments my heart has ever experienced. Being my boys teacher in every respect, being
there for all the precious moments, being the one that holds them, kisses them,
reads to them, has silly games with them, no amount of bad me moments can steal
that joy from me. The hard months of making
ends meet, the living in a small home, driving an old car, making budget wise
decision is worth it. And even the worst
version of the lazy days of me doing nothing doesn’t send me down a road of “I
need to get out of this house, like NOW!.”
No, it does something else to me.
It re-commits me to my choices and how to make it work. God pounds on my heart on days like
today. Oh I hear him, I may ignore him,
but yeah, I hear him.
“So, you’re on your couch, huh? Nice, so…..yeah, 3 episodes of Finding
Bigfoot, and did you happen to read any of my word today?”
“Water, soap, scrubbing…..ok, how about just a change of
cloth?”
Oh and the worst and I don’t want to admit it, but I will, “So,
that’s not discipline, that’s just anger.
How about YOU go take a time out?”
Yep, time Jen, speaking of God’s precious gifts. Time. There’s not enough time in a day, a week or a
month, right? That’s what we all say. I
dare say there is. There’s plenty of
time to do what needs to be done. There’s
time for raising of children, work and there’s time for you. There’s time to find yourself again and not
dive down any silly rabbit holes of nothing and excuses. There’s time for finding the art and joy in
writing, drawing and simply doing something in the nothing; like reading,
walking and exploring His world. I
recently lost someone so close to me and what he was definitely is eating at my
heart. My grandfather was not a waster of time. He excelled at using his time wisely and in
that he created such beauty. In me lays
the same gifts of creating beauty, what an ugly thing I do to his legacy when I
waste what he has taught me away and watch that terrible box.
So, what can my blog be? Well, lots of things for sure. So,
what about some accountability? What
about keeping me on my toes about how I want to change my time to not whining
about “ohhh…I did it again!”
I wrote the following two poems a few years ago and reading
them just slammed me. I’m still
struggling with the same struggles!
Yeah, no excuses, Jen; God says, “Move”. So I will move.
(Besides, really, you smell a bit and really don’t be that person.)
The Moment
Movements that make small waves
This is how it marches through
You speak a word
You take a step
You go somewhere
You do something
This is a day,
Movements
They all are so small, every second; it’s just a stroke of
my hand this way or that way
It’s the billionth second that I cocked my head to the side
and looked up
It the was the billionth and half second I opened my month
to say something
There are endless moments of literal stillness and staring
nowhere particular
And the day ends
I could be describing trivial-ness
Monotonous and ordinary, small this and small that, that’s
life
It’s how it
marches
I could be describing life as dull and useless, because of
all the smallness and naming every movement after a second of existence
But every second does have a name
There was the second you said you loved me
There was that breath in and he said “I do”, and I breathed
out again
There was the movement of me walking into the hospital room
and seeing my small son for the first time.
Holding his
tiny, trembling body
There are the thousands of touches between me and the world
and that made me feel love
Millions of milliseconds of a tear falling because at that
precious moment I felt everything I could possible feel in a single instant of
life
There was the gesture two years ago
It was
maybe the millionth second of my life; I was bowed on my floor
and cried out,
“Forgive me!”
And in that moment, my life changed its course forever.
Movements can seem small, but the small step on any
particular day in your life could be a memory you’ll live with for eternity.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Despite Myself
It’s been so quiet lately
And I’ve cleaned up again
Not enough, but as much as I’m gonna today
Well, maybe
I’ll do the floor
They’re
always nasty
My TV been running too much
I’ve been
trying to turn it off, and turn the music on
I’ve been trying lately
Trying to find greatness in a house I’ve spent too much time
in lately
I’ve been looking for gratefulness, because there are days
I’ve run empty and I’m digging through my purse looking for two coins to make
through the week
Being human can be such a dumb thing sometimes
Everything meaningful has been said, and there’s so much
realness in the cliché,
I want to
write them, but they’ve been said a thousand times
Life is so precious, how dare I be bored
Our senses could explode, how do I stare at yet another
toilet paper commercial
God is so grand; creation is so beyond comprehension, taken
out of context it can breed disbelief
Whatever makes the day pass, whatever makes easy easier
Whatever makes us so happy, sin isn’t sin, if it pleasing .
. . right? If its feels good, do it
Funny though, the moment we’re pleased, the moment the
pleasure has past, we get busy sweeping the self contempt and loathing under
the carpet
Humans are master justificators, that’s my word. I just made it up
I find it hard in these little rants of mine to find the
reason why God loves us.
I find it hard to fathom, why he gave us beauty or
forgiveness or free will
I spend so much time wasting around, wasting time, wasting
life
I spend a lot of energy on my excuses, and I watch too much
TV
Really I spend too much time being hypocritical and judgmental
All the while serving a God I truly
love
I spend a lot of time wondering why my life isn’t better,
huh…it really quite despicable. Not my
life, but my wasted time.
I did clean my house today, and I hear my little boy.
He just
woke up from a nap.
He’s about to make all sorts of messes and do all sorts of
things that will frustrate me,
And yet, he’s about to bring me utter
joy.
And this is why God loves.
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